Journal Entry from My Second Semester at College

I try too hard to be “perfect” – perfectly relatable, perfect listener, perfect confidant and supporter and adviser, just flawed enough to be perfectly understandable and endearing, perfectly spoken, emotions and confrontation timed perfectly…

It’s so hard to let go. To let myself fail. It feels too much like self-destruction at times – letting myself lash out or be stumbling and full of nonsense nonsensical. But storing it away inside only prolongs things. It means I break down away from others. I’m afraid, deeply afraid, if I break down in truly and completely in front of another person they will look at my pieces and distance themselves. I am both clumsy and graceful when it comes to balancing. This applies to both my physical actions as well as my mental and emotional ones.


A Thing From, Like, Over A Year Ago

are thoughts
which have been made beautiful.

I cannot make my words
more beautiful
than the way
I imagine your face.
They will never catch
the beauty
of your smile –
It is
too radiant
for words.

There is no flowered phrase
for the way
my stomach flips
thinking of you.

I cannot make
my thoughts
sound beautiful –
that you are in them

Farewell Speech

There are two blog prompts in this post. You must complete one of them by Sunday April 30th. You must complete the other by Sunday May 7th. Prompt 1: Write a valediction. A valediction is a formal farewell, like the speech given by a student at a graduation ceremony. Imagine that you’re the student who’s going to speak at graduation. Write the speech that you’d like to give. It should be long enough that it would take at least five minutes to speak aloud, and it should be appropriate for the audience (your classmates, parents, teachers, and administrators) and the occasion (your graduation from this prestigious institution).  


From the moment I first stepped into school, one day long ago in Kindergarten, I was shadowed by the expectation that I had to do good. Not just good, even, but great. I had to be above average. On my reports, teachers would say, “She’s a good learner…when she’s interested in the subject.” Despite my selective interest, I qualified for GT, where the “Gifted and Talented” kids went…and then I fell out of GT and into whatever program was for students who were slightly less Gifted and Talented than the GT kids, but supposedly more Gifted and Talented than the average kids, at least at doing logic puzzles…and then I fell out of that place, too. My mom told me it wasn’t because I lacked “talent,” however that’s defined; it was simply because I didn’t care for it. I think that’s weird because I LOVE logic puzzles, but I guess the rest of the stuff they made us do just wasn’t interesting to my little elementary self.

Fast forward through Middle School to High School, and it’s still the same pattern. I’m held to high expectations, but don’t actually think much of the majority of material taught. I like to doodle on papers and daydream while teachers give instructions – shoutout to all the people that ever sat next to me and explained what we were doing in class because I wasn’t paying attention. When it came time to choose classes every year, I would pick advanced math, and science, and English, and history, simply because I was expected to. It wasn’t about how naturally good I was – otherwise I promise I would never have made it into AB Calculus – it was about whether or not I could commit myself to something I didn’t find interesting, just like in elementary school. Only this time, if I allowed myself not to care, I would lose a lot more than just membership in a club. So, obviously, I learned the lesson and applied myself diligently to all my classes. The end, right? Well, not quite…

You see, of the 39 students in the top ten percent of our school as of December 2016, I’m number 38. Of the 41 students in the top ten percent before then, I was number 41. I’m barely holding on. I’m sure if I looked now, I’d be much lower, because I honestly don’t understand Calculus at all. Funnily enough, it seems that despite what teachers, administrators, colleges, applications, other students, and society tells you, grades aren’t everything. From the moment we step foot in school, it’s a daily grind to make the best grades, ace that test, turn in that homework, do it all again the next day. A daily pattern of stress and effort.

Why? There should be more to life than slaving away for some numbers on a piece of paper. If Sims 4 has taught me anything, it’s that it’s fine to be a “B” or a “C” student as long as you spend your extra time developing skills and interests to take with you as an adult.

So???” I can hear you asking, “Didn’t you just change your point? What are you trying to say?”

It’s video game logic 101. You’ve got to develop your skills. Capitalize on what you’re good at, and whatever you do, figure something out and stick to it. You can explore your options for a while, but wait too long and it will be too late to commit to and develop an area. Schools will try to tell you to only develop your brain, specifically through taking advanced classes or scoring high on standardized tests. However, this doesn’t account for the amazing painters, or singers, or dancers, or race-car drivers. Perfect SAT scores don’t prepare you to splint an elephant’s leg, or teach you how to form a connection with orphaned children. AP classes don’t teach you the joy of chasing lightning bugs in the moonlight, or the rush created from white water rafting. School is important, and applying yourself to things you don’t find interesting is a part of life, but there is so much more to living than just grinding away at homework. Find your passions, find your interests, find your loopholes, and take ’em for everything they’ve got.


Gear Grind

  • There are two blog prompts in this post. You must complete one of them by Sunday April 30th. You must complete the other by Sunday May 7th. You may do them in whichever order you choose.

Your job is to identify something that grinds your gears and explain why.

  • Ice in milk
    • seriously, who does that??? heathens
    • No, but let’s be real, putting ice in milk sounds (and tastes) like an awful idea. Sure, it might keep the delicious ivory bovine secretion cold (for a while, that is), but what happens if you don’t drink the entire frothy cup of calcium-filled goodness right away? That’s right: the ice melts and you’re left with a liquidy cup of sadness and broken promises. Don’t drink broken promises: keep ice out of milk.
    • Even more seriously: drinking anything watery (with exceptions for things deliberately watery, such as tea, because they’re intended to be that way and may actually taste bad if they are not watery) is incredibly disappointing and disgusting. There’s not enough flavor in the watery milk to be rewarding and delicious, and the drink is not flavorless enough to be plain water. It’s some sort of awful mix between the two, which is incredibly unfortunate for unsuspecting taste buds.
    • “Okay,” you say, “big deal. I don’t really taste a difference. Are you sure you’re not just being picky?”
    • Well, friend, you’re absolutely right: I am being picky. I’ve always been selective about the food I eat (though I have been branching out some in the past few years). If you’re a parent of a picky eater (or have a sibling who’s particular about food), then you might have heard the following idea on how to “cure” a picky eater: refuse to feed them anything else until they eat the thing they’re refusing. Once they’re hungry enough, they’ll eat it and see it’s not so bad, right? Wrong. I was the child who starved in the name of stubbornness and selective eating. (side note: that’s an awful way to teach kids to eat food. I was forced to eat carrots when I was younger in order to get dessert…I ate the carrots, promptly threw up, and refuse to eat carrots to this day.) Anyways, one of the things I do eat (or, rather, drink), is milk. I drink it every day with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and often in-between. As a result, I’m a bit of a milk snob. (that’s another thing that grinds my gears, calling someone with refined tastes a “____ snob.” Why are you looking down on someone who’s better than the average Joe at distinguishing certain tastes and quality in a certain food or drink?”) I prefer whole milk, but can make do with 2%, and avoid skim milk for several reasons, but mainly because it tastes watery compared to whole milk. So, putting ice in milk is even worse for me because 1) I have high standards and expectations for anything which passes through my digestive track, but especially so when it comes to milk, and 2) I’m picky, I can taste the difference, and I don’t like the slight alteration in taste brought on by ice cubes.
    • Watery milk is unsettling to me in the way that watery soda is unsettling to other people.
    • Protip: freeze milk instead of water to make special ice cubes which will keep your milk (or coffee, or tea, etc) cold without watering it down! 😉


Pick a podcast, either from the list above or by searching for one online that interests you. Listen to an episode. In your post, name the podcast and episode, and describe what you heard/learned/thought.

I listened to “Alexander Hamilton: Most Influential American?” by Stuff You Should Know

I chose this podcast because I am a huge nerd and also because I love the Alexander Hamilton Broadway Musical (Leslie Odom Jr.’s voice I can’t even).

Less than five minutes into the podcast, I could already tell it was going to be interesting. Besides one of the speakers sounding personally offended that Hamilton was not, in fact, born in London, several sarcastic exchanges occurred, such as this one:

He was not skilled at being deferential, or, uh-” “right. Didn’t know how to bow, certainly didn’t know how to curtsy” “No, like he would come out and say ‘No, you’re completely wrong, for these 14 reasons’” “right, and: ‘you’re ugly’

While avidly listening to Hamilton Broadway music and reading nerdy tumblr posts which find their way to Pinterest doesn’t necessarily mean I posses extensive knowledge of Hamilton and his life, the historical accuracy of most Hamilton songs means I do already know much about his life. Despite this previous knowledge, I did learn that Hamilton may have fudged his birth date by two years (like my great grandma Rachel, who stole and married her younger sister’s boyfriend and then put the wrong year of birth on her gravestone to make herself younger than her younger sister). Hamilton attended King’s College, which later lost its cool name by becoming Columbia University. While in the army, he founded an artillery unit which still survives today. I was surprised that Hamilton actually tried to prevent his duel with Burr, even apparently almost going so far as to offer a retraction. It was also surprising to learn that some people believe Hamilton may have purposefully tried to egg Burr on right before the duel so that Burr would shoot him (with the goal of possibly ruining Burr’s career). Additionally, The Reynolds Pamphlet came about because Jefferson came into possession of some letters between Hamilton and Maria Reynolds and published them, so Hamilton published his version of events in retaliation. Hamilton is buried near Trinity Church.

While initially worried the podcast would be boring, I ended up liking it. Though I don’t think I would listen to podcasts daily and cringe at swapping podcasts for my regular free-time activities, I do think I’ll take the time to start listening to podcasts more often. Focusing solely on the voices proved difficult at times, either because of external distractions (yay internet!) or because I’m a chronic daydreamer. Overall the experience was not unpleasant and I think I’ll try it again sometime.


Taxes, bleh

In your blog post, state how much money is owed and to whom. Next, discuss your level of familiarity with the process of doing taxes and your experience in completing this blog post.

$2,423.41 is owed to the IRS. I did the math by hand and then double-checked with a calculator because math is difficult and I don’t quite trust that I got the same answer as the calculator.

Before doing this blog post, my familiarity with taxes consisted of the vague knowledge that people don’t seem to like them and that the government has deemed them necessary.  It’s therefore rather safe to say that this assignment taught me practically everything I know about taxes.

Blog 55A

What do you see? What are your reactions? Why do you suppose this painting is as famous as it is? How does its size change the way you would experience it in person?Write about Sullivan’s reaction: her assertions, conclusions, and how she makes her point.

“Number 1 by Jackson Pollock (1948)” by Nancy Sullivan.

No name but a number.
Trickles and valleys of paint
Devise this maze
Into a game of Monopoly
Without any bank. Into
A linoleum on the floor
In a dream. Into
Murals inside of the mind.
No similes here. Nothing
But paint. Such purity
Taxes the poem that speaks
Still of something in a place
Or at a time.
How to realize his question
Let alone his answer?

Upon first glance, the painting appears to be a large conglomeration of colored squiggles. I’m sure there’s something deep associated with the painting, such as the lines presenting the crazy chaos of life; or how experiences build on top of each other much like the lines of paint lie one atop the other; or how each line haphazardly crossing over other lines represents how lives overlap each other such that some meet, some don’t, but all combine to make one big work. The painting is alternatively interesting to reflect upon (what does it mean? how does it convey that meaning? how could it be interpreted differently?) and boring (seriously, just a bunch of random squiggles…). Knowing that it is 6 ft by 9ft just makes me wonder exactly how he got paint everywhere without smudging things. The canvas was probably vertical, so did he really spend a ton of hours slowly and carefully painting chaotic and messy-looking lines? That’s like spending a ton of extra effort trying to copy your 6-year-old self’s crude drawings (unless you were a genius art child).

Sullivan uses various literary devices to assert that the painting asks each viewer a question which may or may not have an answer, or that if an answer existed, it would be difficult to find. First, she describes the poem as a “maze,” an mazes generally contain both starting and ending points. However, she elaborates upon that comparison, notig how the maze is turned “Into a game of Monopoly/ Without any bank.” Monopoly cannot reach an ending (and could hardly start) without a bank; in the same way, a question cannot reach a conclusion without an answer to conclude with. She also notes how the painting deviates from the expected, as there are “No similes here. Nothing/ But paint.” While painting usually involves replicating the likeness of something else, she concludes that this painting does not seek to do that; instead, it “speaks/ Still of something in a place/ Or at a time.” But what, exactly, does it speak of? Again, the answer in unknown. To conclude, Sullivan ponders “How to realize his question/ Let alone his answer,” directly stating the painting’s purpose: to ask a question, as well as possibly offer an answer. However, it also implies another purpose of the painting: to make its viewers think.


Fitting Fate?

Write about the sections of the play you have read. Cite the text by Act. Text

Why is there so much emphasis on unchanging and unchangeable fate in this play? What does it add to the meaning of the text?

Fate makes an appearance from the very beginning of Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead by Tom Stoppard. Act 1 opens with Guildenstern flipping coins as Rosencrantz announces how they land. Though “they have apparently been doing this for some time,” each coin lands face-up such that “the run of ‘heads’ is impossible” (Act 1). This does not seem to bother Rosencrantz at all but prompts Guildenstern to brainstorm possible explanations for why every coin lands the same. Most people in today’s world would think the run of heads unusual – surely 89 in a row is extremely unlikely? However, when fate is applied, it seems expected; that is, if the coins are fated to land heads-up, it seems only natural and right that they do so.

Rosencrantz could be said to represent one extreme, in that things which are “fated” rarely seem to bother him. Rather than become distressed or engage in an abundance of thinking, he seems (for the most part) not to worry overmuch (even if he doesn’t fully or consciously accept said fate). In contract, Guildenstern actively works to understand and rationalize the effects of fate. When the coins consistently land face up, he tries to explain the results using the law of probability and the law of diminishing returns. When this proves unsatisfactory, he entertains other ideas: “one: I’m willing it…two: time has stopped dead…three: divine intervention…four: a spectacular vindication of the principle that each individual coin spun individually…is as likely to come down heads as tails” (Act 1). He also creates syllogisms, which Merriam-Webster define as “1: a deductive scheme of a formal argument consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion (as in “every virtue is laudable; kindness is a virtue; therefore kindness is laudable”). 2:  a subtle, specious, or crafty argument. 3:  deductive reasoning,” as another attempt to explain the results.

Emphasizing the role of fate in the play reinforces the idea that the events of the play occur alongside those of Hamlet, and therefore must match Hamlet‘s ending. Additionally, it highlights how tragic plays such as Hamlet tend to follow the same basic structure: the Hero (or main character) has a tragic flaw which eventually causes the death of him and several others. While the character names, scenery, and plot details may change from play to play, the end results are predictable. This notion is emphasized in Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead to draw the audience’s attention to it; in other tragic plays, though the audience may be aware of the fated ending, it is easy to believe that maybe this time someone will get it right and bodies won’t start piling. My sister is watching Pride & Prejudice in the background, I’m going to wrap this up really quickly. Since the ending is already known by the audience, it seems foolish for the play to lead the audience to believe otherwise. Knowing that R&G are fated to die causes the audience to view their actions with an increased sense of urgency, dread, foreboding, importance, etc. since these will be the last actions they take.

Don’t Scroll Past These Scrolls

  • Write a blog post in which you first summarize the contents of the article and then—more importantly—react to the article in a mature, intelligent way.
  • In your reaction, look beyond the article’s implications for you personally; address its impact on the school district, state, world, scientific community, or whichever other group is affected.

You can read the article I chose here.

A new cave associated with the famous Dead Sea Scrolls was recently uncovered. It is the first such cave discovered after the year 1956. Fragments of ancient parchment were found inside alongside pottery shards, rusty pickaxes, and other evidence the cave had been looted in the past. This discovery was part of Operation Scroll, which was launched the Israel Antiquities Authority. Ancient parchment scraps have enjoyed a rise in popularity in recent times, prompting increased sales on the black market and a subsequent increase in looting. Alongside this, Dead Sea Scroll forgeries have become more frequent. Researchers hope to use scroll fragments found in the newly discovered cave to assist in separating forgeries from authentic material.

Such a discovery has the potential to greatly affect the scientifical, historical, and theological communities. If Operation Scroll leads to the discovery of new scrolls, they could have enormous value; new scrolls similar to the Dead Sea Scrolls could further corroborate or conflict with materials contained in previously discovered scrolls, while other scrolls may contain previously undiscovered information pertaining to ancient beliefs or customs. For example, new scrolls could add new materials or further authenticity to other scrolls previously found in nearby caves, such as the famous Dead Sea Scrolls. If they were to contain material identical to the Dead Sea Scrolls, they could add another layer of possible authenticity. If they contained contradictory material, however, they could cast doubt as to their own accuracy or the accuracy of the other scrolls.

Additionally, besides explaining how so many high-quality forgeries have made their way into the private art market, the discovery of parchment scraps will enable researchers to more accurately determine between said authentic pieces and forgeries. This would benefit future studies pertaining to the ancient scrolls by ensuring only ones which are authentic are analyzed and recorded, while also providing additional means by which to recognize and prevent forged scrolls. The discovery of new scrolls would also allow insight into the writing materials used by ancient peoples, such as the type of ink used and possibly how the paper was prepared; in turn, this could reveal new information regarding how ancient civilizations kept and used written records.


It’s funny knowing both a nurse and police officer because, besides never having to see a doctor except as a last resort and hearing free stories about all the hilarious ways people get caught breaking the law, you learn random things about stuff.

Take full moons, for example. Without believing superstitions, without subscribing to the notion of “werewolves,” without consulting the plots of B-listed horror movies, these people will swear up and down that things just happen. More babies are born. The “crazies” start appearing. It’s always something, and it’s always on a full moon, or a comet, or even just a weekend.

So what happens when you get a full moon, lunar eclipse, and comet all in one Friday night (besides the beginning of a long weekend)? Both the nurse and police officer swore off working and told their bosses not to call no matter what happens.

Me: “You were right – there’s gonna be a green comet at 3 a.m.!”

Officer: *chuckle* “Yup. That’s why I’m not answering the phone”